i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
