I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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