Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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