Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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