tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
