I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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