My room smells like vodka and shame
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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