How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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