I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
