tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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