Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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