well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
