I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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