I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
