Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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