I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
