My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
