I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
the raccoons are back...
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