I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
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