i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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