I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
