Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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