he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I cut my penus on the lid.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
