I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
