mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
