he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
