I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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