OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
