Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
