So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
