Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
