It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The adults are the big ones right?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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