you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize