it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
