I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You took a bar mat shot.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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