I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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