I didn't shave. On purpose
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
