Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
