Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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