I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
