we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
