this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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