My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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