Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
