Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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