A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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