I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
