My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
