3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
