Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
