there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
