those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
