so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize