my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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