Already got asked if we're dating
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
