Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
