somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
