So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
