I accidentally had phone sex last night
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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